Fandom According To Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy
by LovelySlytheriness
Summary: Contains Spoilers! Crack!Fic! HPDM! Slash! Mature rating! You have been warned!


**Fandom According To Harry Potter And Draco Malfoy**

_by Lovely_Slytheriness_

Harry Potter hurried underneath his Invisibility cloak through the empty corridors of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. He had to make it to that damn Astronomy tower on time, or else Malfoy would undoubtedly be prissy about it. He rushed up the staircases, threw off his cloak and entered the moonlit tower.

"I'm here," he panted.

Draco Malfoy looked at him disapprovingly. "Almost late, Potter. You're lucky I even came. Now, please do tell – what the hell _am_ I doing here?"

Harry shrugged and advanced towards the tall, blonde Slytherin (whose silvery hair _incidentally_ was captured by the moonlight). "Another one of those random-one-chaptered-slash-without-any-real-plot. It seems like the Fangirls just can't get enough of them."

"_Another_ slash fic?" Draco groaned. "I was told this was a Het!fic! What the hell is wrong with them! And _why_, dear sweet Merlin, do they pair me with you all the time?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "It's because I'm a tortured soul and have amazing emerald-"

"Don't you even dare _say_ it, Potter. If I hear 'emerald orbs' one more fucking time I'll poke them out of your head with a stick!"

"Hey, I'm not writing this, alright! Take it up with the author. Not that I believe you will get an answer out of this one either, you know these Fangirls. Now, can we just get on with it? I think the slash-fans are getting impatient."

"I still think this was supposed to be a hetro fic! The canon females exist for a reason you know. I mean come on, that Ginny girl was only thrown in there as a loner among the Weasley brothers to give you _some_ sort of love interest besides Cho Chang," Draco smirked cheekily.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh. My. God. Don't even get me _started_ on Ginny. She was the biggest Fangirl in the bunch. And her transformation between OOTP and HPB when she got all feisty and in-your-face-ish! S-c-a-r-y! Honestly, it was as though canon tried to make up for four books with absolutely NO characterisation whatsoever. Plus, she looked like my mum. _So_ Freudian."

"You don't seem to like her at all, Harry. How sad. You even marry her in the epilogue!"

"Guess it was bound to happen. I had to get them little children to name after dead people. We were thinking about naming one Sirius, but then we decided that the kid would be much more bullied in school if he was named something _really_ odd – you know, like Albus Severus. So we ended up with that instead."

"Albus Severus?" Draco repeated scornfully. "Please. Sounds like Dumbledore's and Snape's son."

"Well yeah, that could happen but not in this fic. Dumbledore/Snape slash is really uncommon you know, plus, there are few sites that actually really do M-preg. Lots of kiddies around see, they could get the wrong impression. There's more over at Skyhawk though."

Draco groaned. "M-preg! I hate M-preg. It's so unrealistic, and it always requires me being a Veela or something equally as dumb. Plus, you're always so bloody moody in those fic. And you eat too much chocolate."

"Again, not my fault. Blame the Fangirls. Plus, I don't particularly enjoy those months of pregnancy you know. They always put me through so much pain. Now, can we please get on to the steamy, passionate snogging? I'm doing a NC-17 rated War!fic with Hermione tomorrow for LiveJournal."

"I guess I don't have a choice," muttered Draco.

Harry advanced towards him, grabbing his wrists and pushed him up against the reeling behind him. "Why so displeased with slash, Malfoy?" Harry purred. "Everyone knows you're a poof in canon anyway."

Draco gasped. "I am not!" he objected, but his body started to react to Harry's closeness. "I've got Pansy in canon, and I even end up marrying one of the Greengrass sisters," he mumbled half coherently as Harry nibbled on his earlobe.

"Oh please," Harry hissed against his ear, "Your girly, blonde and soft hair?" Harry entwined their hands, playing with the rings on Draco's pale, slender fingers. "The jewellery?"

"The ring is a family heirloom," Draco said haughtily. There's nothing queer about it. Plus, my father always told me it's of great importance to care for your looks-"

Harry sniggered softly. "Oh, that reminds me… Your father is probably a poof in canon too."

Draco tried to push him away, but failed. "He is not!" he spluttered indignantly.

"Sure he is," Harry replied calmly with a smug smile. "He has Narcissa, but he probably fucks men beside her. You know, there are even people that pair _you_ with him."

Draco got a slightly green look to him as he replied, "What the – those sick freaks! My own father! Ugh, Potter, that's just… No! So wrong!"

Harry nodded. "I know, I'm telling you BEWARE OF THE FANGIRLS! They even invented a name for it: Malfoycest."

"Sweet Merlin in heaven I'm never getting a boner again," Draco said unhappily. "This is too much Potter, too much. I thought all that was going on between me and my father in Fanon was him beating me up because I don't want to join Voldemort. Obviously you or Hermione end up saving my tortured self afterwards, but that's not the point."

"I think you should talk less and kiss more," Harry whispered. "This is just a one-shot that doesn't really have a plot besides us here, in the Astronomy Tower, snogging."

Draco smirked and raised one eyebrow and looked around. "Even the location is cliché. Honestly, even a broom cupboard had been better. But please, the Astronomy Tower? That's almost as bad as the Room of Requirement right after HBP was released. Seriously, I wonder just _how_ many ridiculous, illogical one-shots there are out there with us in the Room of Requirement doing… _questionable_ things."

"Draco?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"Just shut the hell up and kiss me. Let's get this totally pointless Crack!Fic finished."

The blonde Slytherin smirked. "Only if I'm topping."

"Silly, silly Malfoy," Harry murmured. "Of course you're not topping. There's an entire community dedicated to bottom!Draco."

"You're such a bigheaded tosser, Potter," Draco sulked. "I can't believe they ship me with the likes of you."

"You know all that hatred you have for me really is misinterpreted love, Draco."

Draco rolled his eyes and folded his arms around Harry's neck. "In your dreams, Potter."

Harry grinned. "More like _in your favourite fics_, Malfoy."

_-fin. _

**AN/Disclaimer:** This One-Shot should not be taken seriously, it's OOC, it's Crack!Fic and it's written purely for entertainment. I do not own anything.


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